In about a month, we will, Lord willing, be holding our new baby girl in our arms. Sweet Dylan, I can't wait to hold you and look at your face. But as I look forward to this day, I can't help but miss and long for another baby.
This is a post that I have needed to write for some time now. I have put it off. I have not wanted to write it, yet it's a part of our family and our story. It's the story of our 3rd child. The one that we never met, never got to kiss, never got to watch play with it's 2 big sisters.
I don't know why God's plan for our family included this. Why would He bless us with a baby and then take that baby away 12 weeks later. Why God, why? But yet, I know He has a plan. A good plan. And that He is in control.
We found out that I was pregnant in late September 2012. My due date was June 7th. We were so excited! So thrilled to be given another sweet little one. And also excited that we would have a summer baby, as Avery and Taylor are both winter babies. We had an overnight date and we headed to Dallas. We did a lot of shopping at Ikea and bought a puppy for the baby. We had so much fun, just the two of us. Enjoying every bit of it, knowing that I would be very sick from the pregnancy soon.
We went to the doctor around 8 weeks, and found a healthy baby. And a good strong heartbeat. The tech said the heartbeat was a little fast but nothing to worry about. And I was doing good. I was sick but not sick like I was with the first two. So that made me happy.
Then came my 12 week appointment right after Thanksgiving. I was by myself this time because Donnie was busy with work. I had to wait forever in the waiting room. Finally they call me back. The nurse asks if its ok if a resident sees me. I agreed. She comes in and asks how I am feeling. I feel good I tell her, no problems. Then she grabs the doppler and looks for the heartbeat. She can't find it. But it didn't worry me at all. Why would I worry? I had no reason too. And she was just a resident and obviously didn't know how to find the heartbeat. She goes to ask my doctor if she wants to try to find it and she just says to do a quick ultrasound. No big deal. So we go in and I lay down. The tech finds the baby and I see the baby on the screen. So still. Not moving. No heartbeat. And I just can't believe it. I even have to ask because there is just no way that this is happening to us. We had already heard that babies heart beating 4 weeks ago. I lay there just in shock.
The rest is really a blur. My doctor calls Donnie. They take me to a room to wait for him. He comes in and just holds me and we cry. The doctor later comes in to talk about our options.
But even in the shock, the sadness, the loss, we felt peace. I can't even explain it. It was the peace of our Heavenly Father. The peace that surpasses all understanding. Not that we were fine with what was happening. Not that we weren't devastated. But just His peace. Because God was with us.
This was the hardest thing that I have ever had to go through. This was the hardest thing that Donnie and I have been through together. This was the hardest thing that has ever happened to our family. It was oh so very hard. Why did we lose our baby? Why do we not know if it was another girl or a boy? Why did we never get to look our child in the eyes and see that baby's beautiful smile? It was so hard, for weeks and months. June came and it was so hard. Why was I not huge and 9 months pregnant?
I may never know the answers to all of our questions. But we do know that even in devastation, God is good. He is in control. He is faithful. He is trustworthy. God loves me. He loves my family.
I keep my 8 week ultrasound pictures in my Bible. Right next to the verses I wrote out, that I clung to during my time of grieving. They are the only pictures that I have of our 3rd child. There is never a day that I don't think of that baby. And the what if? But God is still good.
These are 2 of the verses that I clung to the most...
Lamentations 3:21-26 "Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him. The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."
Hosea 6:1-3 "Come, let us return to the Lord, He has torn us to pieces but He will heal us; He has injured us but He will bind up our wounds. After two days He will revive us; on the third day He will restore us, that we may live in His presence. Let us acknowledge the Lord; let us press on to acknowledge Him. As surely as the sun rises, He will appear; He will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth."
My prayer is that the Lord uses our story. That He glorifies Himself through our loss. That He will take our time of devastation, and use it for good, to bring honor to Him.
And even as hard as June of 2013 was, it was also a sweet time. Because that is when we found out about Dylan. I had been dreading June coming, because it was my due date. But God gave us another blessing that month. The blessing of a 4th baby. Not that Dylan is replacing our 3rd baby, but I believe that God was just reminding us of His goodness in the month of June. God is good. He is faithful. I miss our baby, but God is still good. I believe that with all my heart and my soul.
